It seems like I'm going through some type of identity crisis lately. I hardly know the person that stares back at me in the mirror. It's not just the physical attributes, either. I have changed immensely in the last 10 years of my life. Maybe that's why I'm doing all of the things I'm doing lately. I'm trying to find out who I am again.
First, and foremost, I KNOW that I'm a mom. I have four amazing kids, each with their own unique personality. I love being a mom. I never thought that something could be this rewarding. Every night I go to bed grateful for each little person Heavenly Father has sent to me. When I was younger, I would dream about how my life would be with kids. It was so magical in my imagination. Now, with reality set in, I realize that nothing in this world is more trying, or more fulfilling, than motherhood. Watching children grow and develop, trying to keep control, but realizing the whole time that your grasp only extends so far. Every day I see these kids face new challenges, some I can fix or help with, but most I have to just love them through. The biggest heartache in motherhood is the fact that I cannot take the hard things from them. I can't stop kids from picking on them or ease difficulties they face with academics. I can only dust them off when they fall and help them find their way back on track. The reward? Seeing them succeed and watching them grow! When I watch Adam with his friends at school, confident and happy, it makes me beam! Hearing Preston carry on a full conversation with someone brings tears to my eyes- I remember a day when I thought that impossible. Watching Campbell run up to the school to get in line for Kindergarten melts my heart. Every time I look at Abbie, I'm in awe with the fact that my baby girl is growing up much too fast. But I rejoice with every little milestone she reaches. Motherhood is exhausting but liberating. I'm glad it's forever.
I am also a wife. My whole life I dreamed of marrying my eternal companion in the temple. I couldn't wait to find a partner to share my life with. Sadly, this is part of me that I need to work on. I am fortunate enough to have the most amazing husband. He supports me in anything I do. He thinks of me often and shows it, too. I love the way he gives me compliments when I don't deserve them. He brings me flowers and, just recently, surprised me with getting a babysitter for a date. I am really lucky! My problem is that I have lost myself in being a mom and sometimes forget to be a wife. By the time it's our time at night, I'm exhausted. That goes for the weekends, too. I love my husband and need to show him how much I love being his wife.
I used to love to write. I guess I still do. I love writing poetry, short stories and would even like to try my hand at a small novel some day. Thinking up topics for a story used to be second nature to me. I struggle with it now. This is part of me I'm trying to reclaim. I've been trying to write down stories as they come to me- some seem pretty good, others need a lot of help! Writing is therapeutic to me, too. I feel like when I'm able to write, I am a more relaxed person. Whether I'm good or not doesn't matter, but I would like to develop my writing skills even more.
This brings me to my next point. SCHOOL. I have been volunteering with the resource class at my kids' school lately as part of my Intro to Special Ed class. I love the kids, they are great. I love the subject. I volunteer with the sixth graders that need to work on their writing skills. It's fun to watch the kids improve every week. What a rewarding field. The thing is, I don't know if it's for me. I don't think I was meant to be a teacher. It's good I figured this out now, rather than after I graduated. There are just too many things involved in being a teacher OTHER than teaching. I don't like that. So, now I have to figure out what else I want to do. I've thought about being an English major, but I don't want to teach English. (I would hate teaching grammar.) Too bad there isn't a huge demand out there for children's creative writing instructors. (Does that even exist?!) Maybe I should just be a professional student.
Now, don't fret, people. I'm not depressed. I don't want to sound melodramatic. I'm just really thinking about these things lately. I KNOW what my purpose is in this life. I KNOW what I want for my family in the life to come. I have no doubts of my divine nature. It's just time to reevaluate things and make sure I'm fully using any gifts my Heavenly Father may have blessed me with. I want to fulfill the measure of my creation and all that good stuff. So, I'm on a mission of self-discovery. I really believe that you cannot give enough to the people around you if you don't do anything in your life that is special to you. I feel like if I know who Sarah is, I can be more effective in teaching my children how to find out who THEY are. That's all.
